you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
