a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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