I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
