I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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