I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
