if i can run in heels then i can drive
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
