oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
