Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize