im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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