woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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