Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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