Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
MIDGETS
????
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
