Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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