I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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