it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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