Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
