Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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