He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
