I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
