I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
