Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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