can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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