doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
