Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
