I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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