get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i will never coherently bang her
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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