I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
