So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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