I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
