my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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