Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
