Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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