She said her name was "party"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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