He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
