So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
