so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
