if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
