So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
