On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
