Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
