So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
