Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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