I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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