oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So apparently I’m into choking now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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