I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
