My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
bring money and cleavage
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
