he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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