The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
