You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
