And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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