I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
