Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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