Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
