they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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