dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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