I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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