dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
