Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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