Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
