you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
