God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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